My relationship with food has always been a love/hate one. It has been a struggle since I was a teenager. This is about to get as real I hope to ever get… All seriousness and no humor.
In 7th grade being bullied for how I looked started. I was told I was ugly, would never fit in, and when I tried to fit in I was ridiculed for it. I had wadded paper thrown at me in class, and at that point I withdrew from socializing. My grades suffered… Honestly, I don’t even know how I did in middle school, as I never even saw a report card. That’s how much I cared. I hid this from my parents, as I was embarrassed that they had an uncool kid. My mom didn’t find out until a couple years ago when we were having a heart to heart.
I was SO happy to be out of middle school, as those who bullied me went to a whole other high school. I was able to reinvent myself. Got contacts, no braces, and even learned how to wear make up. I may have looked better on the outside, but on the inside the depression and anxiety kicked in. I did make true friends, made the soccer team, and even had boys interested in me. I still wasn’t truly happy on the inside, so bad habits took control.
I was introduced to cigarettes at the ripe age of 15. I would steal them from my mom’s boyfriend, and never got caught. The depression took such a hold on me that I started releasing that pain by cutting, and sweatshirts became my best friend. My mom had a stash of diet pills, so coupled with smoking and cutting, I decided that diet pills and not eating was the only way I was going to love the way I looked. I celebrated when I could go a whole day eating nothing, or only one tiny meal. This meal would be dinner, as I didn’t want to bring attention on myself. I didn’t diagnose my habits as anorexia until after I had my first child.
I spent the rest of my high school years focused on exercise and food. The cutting did stop, as it was harder and harder to hide. (A friend caught sight of my wrists one day, and it forced me to stop. I was always afraid of my parents finding out). I started my first real relationship with a boy my junior year, and it changed everything. (I would later marry this man)
At the age of 19 I would become pregnant with my first child. I would marry my husband, and have a whole new relationship with food. I was eating for 2, and realized I was missing out! I ate everything I could get my hands on. I gained 80 pounds that pregnancy. The most I had weighed my WHOLE life. Since that pregnancy I was either an over-eater, or a dieter. I would have days where I would eat everything in sight, and a week where I ate only healthy meals. Food always won.
My goal is now to find a happy medium. I want to love food for the health benefits. I want to be the controller, and not food controlling every minute of every day.